


Questions

by shonn



Category: Copycat (1995)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-18 23:49:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22168495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shonn/pseuds/shonn
Summary: What if MJ had returned to Helen's after the fire at Peter's house and found the psychologist there alone instead of kidnapped? What if all of that had come afterward? I decided to write this scene outside canon.
Relationships: Helen Hudson/M.J. Monahan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 10





	1. What If?

The knock at the door did not surprise Helen. She knew who it was. After all, MJ had called on her way over to let the psychologist know she was coming. Helen made her way to let the detective in, checking the peephole out of habit. She couldn't stop a brief smile at seeing the petite cop rocking on the balls of her feet as she waited for entrance. 

"I should probably have you a set of keys made," she joked as she opened the door. MJ just smiled crookedly and scooted past Helen into the apartment. 

"I'm not sure they would all fit in my purse," the shorter lady responded. She headed into the sitting area. "Have you been watching the news?" 

"Of course. You want to tell me what happened?" 

MJ was using the remote and flipping through the television channels, each station playing basically the same footage of the fire that destroyed much of the evidence needed to find and put away their suspect. Helen noticed the frown on the other woman's face and the worry lines crinkling her brow. For a second, the psychologist in her wondered when she had learned how to read the inspector so well, but that thought was quickly replaced by another. 

"MJ, where is he now? He's destroyed his base of operations, which means he's planning something big and we have no idea of what or where he's planning." 

The cop glanced up and sighed. "Your guess is as good as mine, probably better." She turned off the television and threw the remote on the couch before starting to pace. "I don't understand. Why would he do something so careless if he wasn't ready to follow through with his complete plan? Why lead us to his house?" 

Helen listened to her as she continued to rant, knowing it was best to let the other woman vent before trying to answer any of her questions. 

"I don't like it. Do you have any thoughts on his next move?" 

"I'm surprised he hasn't shown up here actually. I imagine he's hiding out, enjoying the commotion he's caused. His appetite has grown in the last month because his attacks have been closer together. I do think he's on a time schedule, but he's also very patient, which means he's probably planned for this. He could strike again tonight or it could be days. I just don't know." 

As MJ sank down into the cushions of the couch, Helen resumed the other woman's pacing, her mind moving faster than her feet. For a long while, neither spoke until MJ realized what Helen had said. 

"You think he'll come back here?" she asked slowly. Helen stopped walking and looked down at the inspector. 

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "Maybe." 

"Then I'm staying here." She held up a hand. "No, I will hear no arguments. I'm staying here. I'll call the office and let them know and to add an extra round of surveillance outside." 

Helen smirked as the detective, who was laying out reasons why she should stay, stood to reach for the phone. 

"What?" MJ asked when she noticed the doctor's expression. 

"Nothing. I, uh, I'm glad you're staying. I could, uh, use a friend tonight." Helen ducked her head at this, almost blushing at both the admission and the sudden thought that a friend was not the only thing she needed from MJ. 

"Good, then you got one," MJ responded softly. Her cop voice, as Helen had come to call it, returned as she barked orders for more police protection around the doctor's apartment building. The inspector's eyes never left Helen's as she finished the call. "Thank you," she said at last and hung up the phone. "We're set." 

Helen just nodded, which caused a strand of unruly hair to fall into her face. MJ found herself taking a step forward in a desire to push the curl back and caress the cheek it was tickling. She stopped before reaching out to follow through on the thought. 

"So, have you eaten?" Helen asked in an attempt to give her hands and mind something to do. She moved toward the kitchen and felt rather than heard the inspector follow. 

"Actually, no," MJ answered, grateful for the distraction. "I guess ordering take-out is out of the question, huh?" 

Helen laughed before shaking her head. 

"No need. I am a great cook. Comes from being in the house all this time." 

"Ooh, what's your specialty?" 

"You name it and I'll try it." 

"I don't know. Why don't you surprise me." 

Helen thought about it for a minute before opening a cabinet and pulling out ingredients. 

"I'll be the cook; you can be my assistant. First things first, set the table. You probably know where everything is." 

MJ grinned and began getting out plates and utensils. She was slightly surprised that she remembered the layout of the kitchen as well as she did. When she had made coffee for the doctor after the last attack, she hadn't thought she had been paying much attention to the location of the silverware. Obviously, she was wrong. 

After setting the table, she returned to the kitchen to find Helen chopping tomatoes. 

"Now what?" 

The doctor handed her the knife. 

"Keep chopping while I work on everything else." 

The two women worked in companionable silence only broken by the occasional direction from one to the other. Before long, the kitchen was alive with a delightful aroma. 

"Here, try this. Do you think it needs more oregano?" 

MJ blew on the spoon full of sauce that Helen held out for her before taking a small taste. She smiled and shook her head. 

"No, seems just right." She laughed when the doctor finished her bite. 

"You're sure?" 

"You're the paranoid one, remember?" 

Helen just glared before belittling her expression by throwing a towel at the shorter woman. 

"Good thing I have you to keep me grounded." 

"Someone has to," MJ replied, which caused Helen to laugh. 

The cop smiled as she watched the doctor continue making them dinner and allowed her mind to settle on the jumbled thoughts that came to her whenever she was in the other woman's presence. As long as she concentrated on the case, she was fine. But if she ever lost focus, it took her a little while to get it back. MJ knew she had made this personal, which she also knew was a mistake when working any case, but something about Helen demanded that MJ protect her. 

"Hey, you in there?" 

The cop quickly snapped back to reality at Helen's teasing jab on the shoulder. 

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Just kind of zoned out there for a second." 

"I noticed. I thought I had lost you." 

MJ managed a weak smile for the other woman, who just quirked an eyebrow. The smaller woman had a feeling that her "lost in thought" moment would be a topic of conversation later in the evening. She could tell by the expression on the doctor's face. 

"C'mon. Dinner's almost ready. Help me put everything on the table." 

Again, they worked in silence until they sat down to eat. It was then that the psychologist turned her critical eyes to the detective. 

"You want to tell me what's been going through your head tonight?" she asked as she took a sip of her wine. "And, please, don't insult my intelligence by telling me nothing. I know better than that." 

MJ tried to glare at her but failed miserably. 

"I've never met anyone like you before. It's only been a few days but you already know me better than most people I've known for years. How is that possible?" 

"Noticing people and their personalities and attitudes is what I'm trained to do." 

"Is that really it?" MJ asked, surprised by the rush of disappointment she felt that Helen could construed her as just another subject. 

"No," Helen answered. "No, it's more than that. Frankly, I'm curious why you're even here, how you managed to sneak past every defense I've ever had to settle yourself so firmly in the middle of my life." The doctor shrugged. "I don't have all the answers, MJ, but whatever they turn out to be, I'm just glad you're here. Now eat." 

MJ's grin spread slowly but soon quirked into the crooked smile that the doctor found completely charming. 

"Well, doc, the more relaxed you become, the more I like you," she finally said and Helen returned the detective's smile with one of her own. The conversation from there took on a lighter tone for the rest of the meal. 

"That's the last of them," MJ replied as she brought the last of the dinner dishes into the kitchen to Helen, who was putting them in the dishwasher. The pair finished cleaning up before going into the living room. "It's been a rough couple of weeks, especially the past few nights, why don't you get some sleep?" 

"I could say the same to you." Helen sighed before continuing. "Look, MJ, I'm not sure that either one of us is going to be sleeping much tonight. There's really no point in trying to deny that something is wrong. We're both very aware that there is a serial killer out there who wants to see me dead. He killed Andy, he's been in my apartment, and he seems to enjoy torturing me. Sleep is not on the top of my to-do list." 

MJ stared at the other woman for a long moment before doing something that surprised both of them. The detective leaned forward and quickly but gently brought her lips to the lips of the psychologist and applied a hint of pressure. The taller woman responded almost instantly by bringing her arms around MJ and dragging her closer. The cop took that as an invitation and deepened the kiss. Finally, MJ pulled away and, untangling herself from Helen's arms, stood and moved away from the other woman.   
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I…I don't know what got into me. I…" She was still breathing hard and couldn't meet the doctor's gaze. Helen moved the few steps it took to stand in front of the other woman and reached for her. 

"MJ, it's okay. I wasn't complaining. Actually, I think if you will recall, I was just as much of a willing participant in that kiss as you were." 

The statement made the shorter woman crack a smile but MJ still didn't look at the doctor. Helen ducked her head until their noses touched and kissed the cop again. Although surprised, the taste of Helen's lips was an unexpected treat to MJ, who thought she had screwed up by kissing her friend just moments before. It was several minutes later before they separated and each had to take a lungful of air. With their foreheads touching, both had their eyes closed as their breath mixed. 

"I've wanted to do that for days," the petite woman sighed. 

"What took you so long?" Helen asked before kissing the other woman again. Her hands found themselves tangling in the detective's long hair and she felt her companion's slender fingers tickling her hips. 

"We…have…to…sit…down," MJ panted when they parted once more. She guided the doctor to the sofa and pushed her into the seat before dropping down to sit next to her. Helen had no time to respond because MJ's lips were already caressing her own. A thought occurred to the slim inspector that she had wanted to taste this woman's lips since their second meeting but had pushed away the idea. A faint ringing broke through the haze of their growing passion and MJ leaned her head against Helen's shoulder when she realized the ringing was her cell phone. 

"It's okay, MJ, go ahead and answer it." 

The smaller woman disentangled herself from her friend's arms and reached for her purse. 

"Monahan. Yeah. Where? Yeah, okay, I'll be right there." 

The inspector turned slowly to face the psychologist, who was still sitting on the couch. 

"I have to go back to the scene. The captain seems to think we're missing something. Will, uh, will you be alright here? He said he was sending another guard over to stay with you while I was away." 

Still flushed from their heavy make-out session, Helen just nodded her acceptance. 

"I really don't want to go," MJ said as she joined Helen on the sofa once more. "But I have to. I'll be back as soon as I can. Call me for any reason." 

"I'll be okay. Just go so you can come back." 

MJ grinned and leaned forward to kiss the other woman breathless before rushing out the door. 

"I'll see you soon." 

Helen returned the smile even though the cop couldn't see it. Well, she thought, this is turning out to be more interesting than I thought it would be.


	2. Chapter 2

"It's open," I yell from the bedroom. The doorbell had echoed loudly throughout my silent apartment and, for a moment, I think it's a figment of my imagination. But then I hear the door open, slowly, and decide it's best to check out my visitor. My cop senses aren't prickling, so I'm not expecting anything dangerous but caution is a police officer's best friend. I make my way down the hall, into the kitchen. Then I see her. Dressed in black, peering around my living room, learning little about me from the few personal items I have lying here and there. I stand in the entrance for a long moment watching her. I know she knows I'm here. I admit to being surprised at seeing her. Even after all we've been through in the last few days, I wasn't sure she would be spending much time outside of her apartment. 

"I, uh, I thought I would go to the funeral with you," she says as if reading my mind. She turns around to face me and offers an uneasy smile. "I hope that's okay." My thought processes are slow in starting but eventually I nod. 

"Of course. I'd appreciate the company." The lopsided grin I've grown accustomed to in the last couple of weeks returns and I feel the accompanying jolt I've also come to expect. We stare at each other before I realize that I probably need to move. "Uh, make yourself at home. There's plenty to drink in the kitchen. I've got to finish getting dressed." I disappear upstairs to the bedroom once again, leaving her to continue her explorations. I return a few minutes later and again find myself just watching her. 

"We're going to be late," she says as she picks up a picture of me and my father. Putting it back on the shelf, she finally turns to me. "How are you feeling?" 

"I'm good. A little sore, but the bullet just grazed my shoulder. I'll live." I cringe at my choice of words and she smiles sympathetically. Wanting to be nearer, I move closer to her and catch her eyes. "It seems like years since I've seen you. How are you?" She laughs humorlessly and ducks her head. 

"It was only yesterday, but I'm fine. Better than you thought I would be." I smile sheepishly and wonder when she had time to learn me so well. "I never left your side in the hospital that night." Her serious tone surprises me. "It wasn't until the next morning, yesterday, when they assured me you'd be okay, that I left to answer questions." Her admission means more to me than I'm willing to admit to myself or to her. But I have the feeling, from the look in her eyes, that she knows its importance. "We should go." 

I nod and mentally try to prepare myself for the task I am about to perform. We're silent during the ride to the funeral home, and I want to continue with that all the way through the service. But as I enter the chapel, my fellow officers want to share my grief and their own with me. I offer slight nods and short replies to their questions and condolences. She never leaves my side. I feel a tug on my jacket and turn to see the disheartening face of Nico. 

"Hey," he says quietly. "How ya doin'?" 

"I'm okay considering all that's happened. You?" He just nods and tries to smile. I feel for him because I know that he's suffering almost as much as I am. Helen's hand on my lower back brings me a comfort I don't deserve but I lean into her touch anyway. 

"It's about to start," she tells us softly. I'm about to follow her when Nico reaches out to stop me. 

"If you need anything, just tell me." 

"It's okay. Helen's taking care of me." He seems confused by my statement and I wonder briefly if my expression mirrors his. Before I can put anymore thought into it, I glance up at her to see the hint of a smile gracing her face. Instead of analyzing, I let her guide me to my seat. Soon we have only a walk to his grave, followed by another short service. At the end, after they have lowered him to the ground, is when I say my goodbyes. She stays a respectful distance away until I start to cry. I feel rather than hear her arrival by my side. I keep my eyes on the now covered grave as I tell her how Reuben and I first met and how he could always make me smile. As I'm telling her about the last stake-out we had conducted, I turn to look at her. I'm laughing with tears running down my cheeks, and she smiles along with me before we both fall silent. Then she surprises me by wiping away the only evidence of my sadness. 

"I wish there were words to make you feel instantly better," she whispers. "But knowing there aren't, all I can really offer is my time." She waits a heartbeat before continuing. "Let's go home." Walking away was harder than the actual funeral had been, but Helen stays close by. We make it back to my apartment without saying a word to each other and before I start to cry again. I'm barely inside when the tears begin. All I really remember is her leading me to the couch and hugging me tightly as everything from the last few days catch up to me. I fall asleep in her arms and wake a little while later out of them. I stumble from the couch into the kitchen where she is sitting at the table reading the paper. I smile sleepily and she motions to the coffee on the counter. 

"Thanks," I tell her, glad that she's still here. 

"I thought you might need it. God knows I did. How are you feeling?" 

"Better. I, uh, thank you. I mean, for earlier, for staying. I'm glad you're here." 

"Me, too. Are you hungry? We could order in if you're feeling up to it?" 

"Sure, that sounds great. There's some take out menus next to the phone. I think I'm going to go take a shower. Order whatever you want. I'll eat just about anything." I put my glass in the sink and disappear down the hallway. I take my time and let the hot water beat down on me to wash away a lot of the stress from the past 48 hours. I hear the doorbell and finally decide it's time to get out. When I finally make it back to the living room, Helen has the food containers lined up on my coffee table, along with plates and utensils. 

"It's about time," she says as I join her on the couch. She gives me a fork and tells me to eat. "I hope you like Italian food. I had a craving for lasagna." 

"No, this is good. It's been so long since I've had this that it's even better than I remember." 

"Food is not on your priority list, is it?" I have to swallow before I answer her. 

"Well, no. Not that I forget to eat. It's just, sometimes, I have other things to do. It's all hours when I eat. It's hard not having a real schedule. I've learned to adapt." 

"Because you're the big, bad cop who has to solve all the crimes?" she teases. 

"Yeah, something like that." 

"MJ, what do you remember about that night?" she suddenly asks. I think about it before answering her. 

"I remember most of it, I think. I remember seeing you, and then not seeing you. I knew you had to be there somewhere and I had to find you. I remember trying not to panic, of aiming." I sigh as the memories come back to me. "I'm not sure how long we sat in that doorway. I remember being moved by the backup I had requested after they tripped over us a few times to gain access to the roof. I remember you insisting I go to the hospital to get checked out. I don't recall the bundle of questions from reporters and officers that were thrown at me on the elevator ride and short walk to the ambulance. I do remember you holding my hand and I remember giving my report to the chief at the hospital before I was pumped full of pain pills." She laughs with me at that. "I…I, uh, I also remember waking up yesterday morning and seeing you there." 

"I wouldn't leave until I knew you were going to be okay. It seemed like the least I could do." 

"I was relieved although I don't know what happened after that until I woke up again a few hours later." 

"They whisked me away for questioning and your fellow officers kept a vigil over you until you demanded to be released." 

"I asked about you. The chief would only tell me you were well and safe. He had Nico take me home and wouldn't let me come see you." 

"He told me." 

"You talked to him?" 

Helen nods her head as she answers. 

"Briefly. He was the one who told me about Reuben's funeral arrangements. He asked if I would give you some time and assured that he would keep an eye on you for me." 

"He never said anything." 

The smile she sends me then has me thinking that I've missed something. 

"I think he believed you would try to break one more rule to set a record for the night." 

"If I could have walked, I probably would have," I retort. 

She mocks me for a while before we move on to other subjects. We spend hours talking, laughing, remembering. At some point, we become silent again, and I notice her far away gaze. 

"Penny," I say, capturing her attention. She laughs softly. 

"I was just thinking how things have changed in 72 hours. Until three days ago, I hadn't been outside of my apartment in over 13 months. I hadn't had physical contact with anyone but Andy and a few of his friends during that time. Now, I haven't been home in days and I can't seem to pull myself away from you." Her admission catches me unaware, and when I look up, she's watching for my reaction. I think she surprised herself as well. 

"Well, good because I have no intention of letting you go." I pause to gather my thoughts before adding, "I don't want you to go anywhere. In fact, I'd really like it if you would stay with me tonight." If she wasn't shocked by her own admission, I know she is with mine. I wait for a long moment for her response, too afraid to tear my eyes from hers or to move when she scoots closer to me. 

"I'd like that," she says softly, then very slowly leans forward. My senses return in time for me to meet her lips half way. The first touch is deceivingly gentle and far too short. Just as I'm about to complain, she captures my lips with hers again. This time, our kiss is more demanding, passion overwriting tenderness, and I feel her pushing me down further into the couch cushions. I don't protest and mold into her body easily. I've never been attracted to another woman before, but Helen has overwhelmed my mind. "Mary Jane," she whispers in my ear. The heat from her body as she hovers above me distracts me from actually listening to her. She has to repeat my name several times before I realize she's questioning me. "Mary Jane, are you sure?" 

"I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I'm so sure it scares me." I barely get the words out before reaching up to capture her lips again. I have to have her. It's only been a matter of weeks since we met, but we've put this particular activity off far too long. I move from her mouth to her neck and follow the curve to nibble on her ear. When I hear her giggle, a sound I would never associate with her, I smile against her smooth skin before moving back to her lips. "Say it again," I tell her as I feel her hand slipping up my hip. She nuzzles my cheek and whispers my name in my ear. 

We move slowly, learning as we go how to touch each other and what we really like. I enjoy mapping her body with my tongue, tasting every part of her as I take her clothes off. This may be a new experience for us but by the time our skin comes in contact, we're both ready to consummate whatever it is we've started. 

Hours later, we still lay on the couch. We're completely spent and wrapped around each other in a most possessive manner. I realize, despite the recent events, that I am completely content. Helen is asleep, and her steady breathing is a comfort to me. I want to wake her and ravish her one more time before morning. Since we didn't talk about the future, I'm not sure I'll have her after a new day starts.


	3. Chapter 3

I wake to an unfamiliar weight across my stomach. Glancing down, I see M.J.'s right arm hugging me tightly and smile at the memory of last night's activities. I remember falling asleep on the couch, but at some point we kissed our way up to her bedroom and exhausted ourselves in each other's bodies. When she opens her eyes and our gazes meet, she smiles shyly at me. 

"Good morning," she says hoarsely. I feel her sigh of contentment slide across my collarbone as she snuggles deeper into my embrace. "Did you sleep well?" 

"What little sleep I got was good." 

"I didn't hear you complaining last night," she replies as she pokes me in the side. 

"No, no complaints." I hesitate before asking, "Do you have any plans for the day?" 

"Yes," she answers and a moment of panic hits me as my doubts and paranoia resurface. "I plan on staying right here with you," she adds sensing me tense. She leans up onto her elbow and looks down at me. "Helen, I'm not going anywhere. At least for a while. I still have a few more days off." 

"We've been together so much over the past two weeks; I thought you might want a break. I know I can be difficult at the best of times." 

"You were at your best last night and I can personally attest that there was nothing difficult about you. As for being together so much, that's been by choice. My choice if I recall correctly. If you want a break, just tell me. I'll back off. Otherwise, you're stuck with me." 

I don't know what to say to her at that, so I lean forward to softly kiss her lips. 

"I'm glad I'm here," I tell her as we part. 

"Me, too." 

"I don't want to leave." 

"Good." 

"But I do have to go home sometime. I need to see what kind of shape my apartment is in and get some clothes." 

"I'll take you. Let me grab a shower and we'll head over there." She kisses me once more before getting out of bed. "You want to join me?" she asks cheekily and I laugh as she wiggles her eyebrows comically. 

"Go. I'll meet you downstairs." 

"Make coffee," she calls over her shoulder as she disappears into the bathroom. I get out of bed and pull on her white, fluffy terrycloth robe. Downstairs, I have to open several cabinets before I find everything I need for the coffee but soon the soothing aroma surrounds me. I take a chance and check MJ's front steps. Her newspaper is near the apartment and I open the door enough to reach it. Before I get to start reading, however, the phone rings. I'm hesitate to answer it but the sound soon grates on my nerves. 

"Hello." 

"Uh, hi. Is MJ there?" 

"She's in the shower. May I take a message?" 

"Yeah, just tell her that Nico called. She knows how to reach me." 

"No problem." 

"Hey, uh, is she okay?"  
"She's very well," I answer and blush at the sudden flash of just how okay she is. 

"Good, good. Will you, uh, tell her that I called and that I'd like to see her tonight, please?" 

"I'll tell her." 

"Thanks." 

I'm left with a dial tone before I can say anything else. I stare at the phone in my hand for a long moment and grabble with the feelings the caller enlisted in me. Nico. MJ's ex-boyfriend. The man whom she's shared her life and her body with. I know it's less jealousy that I'm feeling and more the anxiety of a budding relationship. I'm not the most stable individual in the world on a good day. Add to my usual insecurities the fear of losing the first person I've ever truly cared about and I'm going to crazy in my skin. Taking a deep breath, I try to push away all the negatives I'm thinking so that I can focus on the positives, the main of which I hear coming down the stairs. 

"Nico called while you were in the shower," I tell her when she joins me in the kitchen. I'm sitting at the table nursing a cup of coffee. 

"Okay, I'll call him later. Thanks." 

As she continues to dry her hair by rubbing the excess water out of it with a towel, I notice her movements are a little stiff. 

"How's your shoulder?" 

"Sore," she replies smiling. 

"I guess last night's activities didn't help it any." 

"It's worth it," she says as she stops what she's doing to really look at me. "Helen, what's wrong?" Her voice is laced with concern and I cringe since I don't know how to answer her. "Helen?" 

She takes the chair next to me and reaches out to hold my hand. The towel she was using is in her lap and I smile as I watch the ends of her hair curl. I remember the way it tickled my stomach as she kissed the underside of my breast. 

"You should call Nico. He wants to see you." 

She shrugs and squeezes my hand tighter. 

"I don't want to see him. Not right now," she says and takes a sip of my coffee. 

Her blasé dismissal of her former lover bothers me for reasons I can't explain. When she disappears into the living room looking for her hairbrush, I follow her. 

"Why do you go by your initials?" 

She looks surprised by my question but shakes it off to answer. 

"Because…because I just do…" 

"Mary Jane," I warn. 

"In the business that I'm in, it's better not to let anyone know that I'm a woman until the last possible moment," she says frustratingly. "People in this line of work still tend to harbor prejudices against the fairer sex, whether they mean to or not." 

"You use the fact that you're a woman to your advantage. I've been on the receiving end of that innocent charm. I'm willing to bet that you were called MJ before you began working at the police department. You said last night you have a brother?" 

"Don't do this, Helen. Don't analyze me. I'm not one of your patients." 

"Then what are you?" I shout. Taking a deep breath, I break eye contact with her and shake my head. "I just, I feel like I know everything about you except where I stand in your life. Are you ready for me, for an us? Am I ready?" 

"We're ready for now," she whispers and takes a step closer to me. "We'll get ready for the future as it comes." She glances at me before sighing softly. "I'm sorry, Helen. Maybe I pushed too hard too fast." 

The self-resignation in her voice makes my heart ache and I reach out to her without thinking. I have to tug on her wrist before she slides into my embrace. 

"No, I wanted last night as much as you did. Maybe more." I close my eyes and kiss the top of her head as her arms encircle my waist. "I don't know what's happening. One minute I'm pushing you away and the next I can't let you go. I just met you a couple of weeks ago, yet you're more familiar to me than anyone I've ever known." 

I feel her chuckle against my shoulder and squeeze me a little tighter. 

"I know the feeling." We let the silence surround us as we take comfort in each other for a long moment. "You want to talk to me about what got you so wound up?" she finally asks and I laugh quietly. 

"No." She nods but I can tell she's smiling at my petulant tone. "I'm afraid of losing you, and I shouldn't be." 

"No, you're right. You shouldn't be." 

I pull away from her and begin pacing around her living room. She watches me intently, her eyes taking in my every movement. 

"Why not? We barely know each other. You had a life before you met me and all my problems. Why should I expect you to hang around? It's not fair to you." 

"Helen." Her voice is firm and it forces me to look at her. "The only thing that's not fair is if you dismiss me from your life because you think it's what's best for me. Being with you should be my choice. I know it won't be easy. It never is when you get two strong-willed, opinionated people together, especially women in our business with our pasts. But for reasons I can't explain, we've bonded. You felt like someone I had known forever after our second meeting. That kind of connection doesn't happen often. I, for one, am not going to give it up." Her tone softens and she comes to stand before me again. "Look at you. You're out of the house, you managed to escape from a dangerous situation, you've let another person into your life," she smiles as she adds, "and into your bed. I want to be with you, in any way I can, in every way. We'll work everything else out as we come to it." 

"Nico?" I ask and feel foolish for being so irritable at the very sound of his name. 

"What about him?" I only shrug as she studies me, and then she laughs. "Helen, are you jealous?" 

"Of course not! I mean, I don't know what I am." I sigh at those words. I've been saying that a lot here lately. "I'm new at this. I've never been faced with the issue of an ex-boyfriend before, especially one who works with my…with the person I'm…" Unsure how to describe our relationship, I wave my hand between us. 

"I think the term you're looking for is girlfriend," she replies. "And as for Nico, he and I will always be bound together because we shared a life and because we work with each other. But you have nothing to worry about concerning him. He and I are just friends. We couldn't stay together because we couldn't get along for more than a few hours at a time and because we didn't have the kind of love that a lifelong relationship should be made of. We never had it and we never will." She takes my hands and ducks her head to catch my eyes. "Helen, I never, not once during the entire time he and I were together, felt about him even an ounce like how I feel about you. When we're together, I feel whole. Like I've finally found the piece I never knew was missing. I know it's early yet, but I really believe that we belong together." She tugs on my hands until I smile at her. "Now, what do you say to giving us a chance, hmm?" 

"Since I really don't think I can live without you now, I guess I don't have a choice." My words have the desired affect and she grins at me. 

"Get dressed and we'll go to your place." She kisses the tip of my nose and starts to grouse over her missing hairbrush again. As I head upstairs, I stop to look down on her. The scene playing out before me seems so homey and I smile at the ridiculous feeling of happiness spreading through me. I know our future is uncertain and I still have plenty of issues to work out, but I know that I'm no longer alone. 

Sappy as it sounds, the world doesn't seem as big anymore.


	4. What's Next?

The knock at the door startles me awake and I glance at the clock before untangling myself from my companion's embrace and making my way downstairs. I'm surprised that MJ doesn't even stir at the noise. She's usually a light sleeper, but the past week has been filled with one emergency call after another so rest has been at a minimal. 

Out of habit and a hint of paranoia, I check the peephole before allowing our early morning guest into the apartment. I'm surprised by his identity but quickly unlatch the locks. 

"Inspector, what are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?" 

He has the courtesy to at least look sheepish at his appearance on my doorstep at 5:30 a.m. 

"I'm sorry, Dr. Hudson, I know it's early. I, uh, I'm looking for MJ. She left her radio at the station last night and she's not at her apartment. I figured she might be here." 

"She is. She's still asleep. Come on in and I'll go get her." I open the door all the way for him and he shuffles in with a small smile. "Have a seat and I'll wake her up." 

He just nods and I disappear upstairs to the bedroom. MJ has shifted to her side and has confiscated my pillow. I creep closer to the bed and sit on its edge. Gently, I place a chaste kiss on her lips and watch as she smiles in her sleep. 

"MJ," I whisper. "Come on, sweetie, time to get up." 

She groans and tries to snuggle closer to me. 

"Don't wanna," she whines but flops onto her back. When I don't say anything, she opens her eyes and reaches for my hand, which I immediately move out of her range. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks and lunges for me before I can stand up. "And what time is it?" 

I allow her to rest her head on my thigh since she already has her arms wrapped securely around my waist. I run my fingers through her tangled hair. 

"A little past 5:30," I tell her. "Nico is downstairs. He needs to see you." 

She groans again but finally sits up. She smiles sleepily at me and sighs deeply. 

"I guess I should get ready for the day. If he's here, it must be important." 

I acknowledge her comment with a nod. Things with Nico have been tense since the incidents of six months prior. He resents that she spends so much time with me instead of him, especially with his hopes of rekindling their old relationship. Sensing my thoughts, she leans forward to brush her lips against mine before getting out of bed and heading toward the bathroom. I make my way back downstairs to find Nico where I left him. 

"She'll be down in a minute. Would you like some coffee?" I ask as I go into the kitchen. 

"Yeah, sure. Thanks." He gets up to follow me. "That looks just like the thing that MJ insisted on buying a couple of years back," he says as he eyes the coffee machine warily. 

"It should. It belongs to her. She hated my coffee maker and wouldn't shut up until she replaced it with one she did like. She can be very persuasive." I chuckle at the memory of her petulant behavior every time she had to use my old machine, and then have to turn away from Nico to hide the blush of just how MJ persuaded me to make the coffee machine exchange. 

He doesn't say anything but I can tell by the set of his jaw that he's not happy by the comment. Although he doesn't know that MJ and I are lovers, he does know that she spends a lot of time here. He just doesn't like to have the fact mentioned in his presence. 

"I'm guessing this is an emergency," I reply as I pour him a cup of coffee. I busy myself with filling MJ's traveling cup as he answers. 

"We had another drive-by and it's related to her case. I figured she'd want to see the scene before it gets cleaned." 

"Yes, I would," she says as she makes her way into the kitchen. She offers him a smile as she takes my coffee out of my hands and takes a sip. She almost hums with appreciation before directing her attention to the man sitting at the bar across from us. "How many?" 

"Two. Both males, young. Same markings as the last one." 

"I guess we should go then." She turns to me and we exchange coffee cups. "Thank you." The three of us make our way to the front door of the apartment. At MJ's pointed look, Nico lingers at the building entrance just out of earshot. "I'll call you later. Let you know what's going on. And don't forget about tonight." 

"I won't, but I'll understand if you have to cancel." 

"I won't," she says firmly. I'm surprised when she stands on her tiptoes to kiss my lips gently. Meeting my eyes when she pulls away, she smiles encouragingly. "I'll talk to you soon." 

"Be careful," I whisper. 

"Aren't I always?" she laughs as she joins the man waiting at the door. I notice Nico's look of astonishment at our display but MJ just waves him outside. I sigh. It's going to be a long day. 

***

I ignore the bewildered expression on Nico's face and make my way to the patrol car he has waiting for us. At first I think his silence will last, but I don't get that lucky as we're walking down the building steps. 

"You want to tell me what all that was about?" he asks and the anger in his tone is unmistakable. 

"What was what?" I respond just to irritate him. 

"That kiss back there?!" 

I just shrug, trying to reel in my own anger at his words and tone. 

"I was saying goodbye to my girlfriend," I tell him as if I have no idea why he's making a big deal of the display. 

He grabs my arm as we reach the last step and pulls me to a stop roughly. 

"Mary Jane," he whispers furiously. "What the hell is going on? You're not gay. What has that woman done to you?" 

"She's made me happy, and I would suggest you keep your words civil when you're talking about her. And before you start, she didn't turn me into anything. No, I was never attracted to another woman before I met her, but she didn't do anything to me. Whatever happened, just happened and I'm damn happy that it did. Besides, it's none of your business either way." I forcefully pull my arm out of his grasp and finish the short walk to the car. It takes him a moment, but he soon joins me. We're silent all the way to the scene. 

We arrive at an abandoned warehouse on the lower edge of our jurisdiction. I'm met by the officers first to respond who direct me to the couple who found the body. I look over the scene before questioning those there. Nico remains quiet and distant during my investigation and it isn't until I'm ready to leave that he reappears by my side. 

"I'll take you back, MJ. It'll give us the chance to talk," he says and points to his issued police car. I wonder briefly how it got here but then notice another inspector getting into his waiting partner's car. 

"I doubt there's anything left to say," I tell him as I make my way to where the patrol cars are parked. 

"Please, MJ, just talk to me." 

I've never heard that level of desperation in his voice and pause to consider him a moment. Finally, I just nod my consent and follow him. We say nothing else until we're on the road back to the station house. 

"Alright, Nico, what is it that we need to discuss?" 

"How long?" 

For a second I'm tempted to make a sarcastic remark but decide against it. If he's willing to talk, the least I can do is return the gesture. 

"Six months." 

"Six…that's almost from the beginning! Is that why you brought her in on the Fowley case?" 

"Of course not. I didn't even know her until after that case started." 

"But you had to be sleeping with her during that case or right after it ended." 

"Right after it ended."

"Jeez, MJ, why?" 

"She's wonderful. Brilliant, attractive, funny, warm, caring, interesting. Why not?" 

"She's a woman!" 

I laugh at his incredulous tone. We've both handled this conversation better than I thought we would. I figured he'd be making derogatory comments and I'd have to shoot him. 

"Yes, Nico, she is. She's an incredible woman." 

"So, this is serious?" 

"Yeah, it is." 

I let that sink in for us both and Nico seems lost in thought for the rest of our car ride. I admit I was nervous about telling him about mine and Helen's relationship. I'm nervous about telling anyone, really, but I knew that it would get out eventually. Although she and I haven't discussed making our relationship public, I refuse to conceal my feelings for her. 

***

"Hello." 

"Hey. What'cha doing?" 

I smile automatically when I hear her voice. No matter what else is going on in my life, talking to MJ reminds me that I'm safe and cared for. 

"Just doing some rearranging. How's your day?" 

"Hectic. No leads yet. Looks like I'll be working through lunch." 

"I thought you might. What about tonight?" 

"Still on. Unless something huge happens, I'll be free. Did you manage to get any sleep after we left?" 

"Not really. I, uh, I can't sleep without you." 

Emotional confessions are still hard for me but I know that MJ always appreciates hearing what I'm feeling when I figure it out. 

"I'm sorry. About this morning. I didn't mean for Nico to find out about us like that." 

"It's okay. I was just surprised. I didn't think you'd want anyone to know about us." 

"I want everyone to know, but I should have talked to you about that first. You're sure you're okay?" 

"I'm sure. How'd he take it?" 

"Surprisingly well. He was angry and hurt, I think, but he'll get over it. There wasn't much yelling." 

"Do you think he'll try to cause trouble for you?"  
"No. Honestly? He'll try to change my mind for a while but eventually he'll accept my choice. But enough about him…will you be going out today?" 

"Yes. What do you need?" 

"Could you stop by my place and pick up my tan blazer? I don't know if I'll have time." 

"Sure," I laugh. "Anything else?" 

"No, that's it. Everything else is already at your apartment. Hold on." I hear her talk to someone in the office for a second before she comes back to the phone. "Sorry. I have to go. I'll be there around 6, okay?" 

"Alright. Be careful out there." 

"You, too. See you soon." 

***

It's been a long road in the past six months. After a harrowing experience with a serial killer, the real work was helping Helen learn to accept her new life. A new life which included me in almost every aspect. Our relationship developed very quickly and our bond was almost instantaneous. 

A patrol car drops me off in front of her building a little before 6 and I slowly make my way up the steps. She's home. The car we picked out a few months ago is parked in her space and the wooden blinds in her apartment are open. She never stays out long when she goes out anyway. Using my key, I open the front door and creep quietly through the house. I hear her upstairs and I know that I could sneak up on her if I wanted to. I also know that if I did, she would get upset. To avoid a panic attack, I began making plenty of noise as I walk up the stairs. 

"Helen?" 

"I'm here," she answers from the bathroom. Something seems different about the room but I can't quite figure out what. I'm standing in the middle of the bedroom when she comes out. "What are you doing?" I shrug off my curiosity and offer her a smile. 

"Nothing. You look wonderful." I love to make her blush. "One would think you have a hot date or something." 

"Or something," she replies boldly. "You're home earlier than I thought you'd be." I easily accept her into my arms when she comes to stand before me. 

"I wanted to see you. I've missed this," I tell her as I hum against her shoulder. She tightens her hold on me and I feel her kiss the top of my head. 

"MJ, why don't we just stay in tonight? We could cook dinner together and just relax. I know you've had a hard day and it would be nice to just spend some time together." 

I pull away just enough so that I can see her face. 

"Oh, no, you're the one who insisted that we try this new place. I know you've been looking forward to it." 

"I know, I know. Alright, well, you should get changed. We're going to be late."   
She pushes me toward the bathroom. I stand in the doorway to watch her as she chooses a pair of earrings. Shaking my head, I still can't get over the feeling that something's different about the room. 

***

We enter the apartment later than usual and it bothers me that we forgot to set the automatic lights to come on in the living room. MJ seems to sense that I'm uncomfortable and turns on as many lights as possible as quickly as she can. I'm in the kitchen when she's finished checking the house. 

"Setting the coffee machine for in the morning?" 

"Yes. Considering how hard it can be to get you up, I thought it might save some time. It'll be ready for you when you get out of the shower." 

"And here I thought it gave you something to do while you waited for me." 

"It does," I reply as I move closer to her. "But if the coffee is making by itself, then I can keep you company instead of waiting for you." 

"Ah, I see your reasoning now and I approve." 

I love the drawl in her voice, especially during times like now when the twang becomes softer and more pronounced. 

"I'm glad I have your endorsement." For a long moment, we just stare at each other and smile until I start to blush. "I'm going to head upstairs. These shoes are killing my feet." 

"I'll be up in a minute. I want to double check the locks." By the time she joins me upstairs, I've already gotten ready for bed. When she comes out of the bathroom, she's brushing her hair and wearing my robe. "I should have asked you to pick up my jeans when you stopped by my apartment this afternoon." 

"You know there's a way to avoid forgetting your things," I tell her, finally broaching the subject I've been thinking about for the past few days. 

"Yeah? How?" 

"You could bring all your things here." 

She turns to look at me and I can see the confusion lighting her eyes. 

"Are you suggesting something, Helen?" 

"I just think it's foolish that you're still paying rent when you're never home. There's plenty of room here and this is where you are most of the time anyway. Why not just make the move permanently?" 

"You're serious?" 

"If you don't want to, it's okay. I just thought it made sense and…" 

Before I can finish my sentence, she's sitting next to me on the bed and kissing me breathless. It's a little while later when she picks up our previous conversation. 

"So you think you're prepared to put up with me all day every day?" she asks and I laugh against her stomach where I'm laying. 

"I do that now." 

"Yeah, but right now you know you can kick me out and there's some place I could go. Some place, I might add, that you can find me." 

"I can always find you. You're either here or at the station." 

She's running her fingers through my hair and I smile against her skin as she laughs. A peace falls over us and I'm almost asleep before she speaks again. 

"Helen?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Are you sure?" 

"I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I'm so sure it scares me," I tell her, repeating the words she said to me over six months ago when our relationship first began. "We'll start moving you this weekend." 

"Helen?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I love you." 

I feel the tears sting my eyes at her shyly spoken words. I move so that I can look at her and softly kiss her lips. 

"I love you, too," I tell her and can't stop the grin that I can feel spreading across my face. She matches my smile with one of her own before rolling us over so that she's stretched over me. Her kiss is rough and demanding and returned with full force.


	5. Chapter 5

I hear the front door open and close from my place at the computer. Knowing it's Helen, I sit quietly and wait for her to find me, which she does a few minutes later. 

"How did your appointment go?" I ask when she comes to sit on the arm of my chair. She offers me a drink of her soda. 

"It was fine. Getting easier. She asked me to remind you about your monthly appointment." 

I'm never thrilled about going to the therapist, but I know that my going helps Helen to go so I don't complain. Instead, I wrap my arms around her waist and squeeze until she almost loses her balance. 

"I'm glad you're back." 

"What have you done this time?" She sounds exasperated but I can hear the underlining trace of humor in her voice. I just shrug. 

"I don't know. It seems every time I sit down to this thing I do something wrong. I think it hates me." 

She studies the screen for a moment, and then hits a few buttons. A second later, the black screen I couldn't escape from is replaced with the information I had been searching for. I start to say something sarcastic but the smug look on her face shuts me up. 

"Hey, what do you say we go out for lunch?" 

"You just want to get me away from your computers," I tell her teasingly and she just laughs. 

"Come on. You have the entire day off and we should be enjoying it." 

"We could enjoy it without ever leaving the house." 

"We'll need to keep our strength up. Go. Put on some shoes. Let's go out." 

I do as she requests. Normally, after a therapy session, Helen is ready to stay inside for the rest of the day. That she wants to go out is a good indication of how well her conference actually went. When I'm ready to leave, I find her waiting for me outside. She tosses me her keys and tells me to take her wherever I want to go. 

***

"So, you and Helen have been living together for the past month. How's it going?" 

"Very well. It's been …easy," I reply and feel myself smiling. 

"You sound surprised." 

"In a way, I am. I haven't lived with anyone for several years. I thought it would take longer to adjust to being responsible to another person." 

"And it's been easy to make that adjustment with Helen?" 

"Yeah. I don't want to be anywhere else when I'm with her, you know? Work has always been my refuge, but I'd rather be at home than at the station now." 

"It was her idea that you move in together? Did that surprise you?" 

"Yeah." I hesitate until I can put my thoughts in order. "I worry sometimes that I pushed her into this relationship while she was vulnerable. Moving in together at her request is a good sign that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her." 

"You doubted that?" 

"She's had so much to deal with the last two years, especially in the last six months." 

"She's made a lot of progress." 

"I know and I'm proud of her. I was just afraid that I was more of a hindrance than a help. That I was there and causing her problems by forcing her into facing even more of her fears than she already had to face." 

"Such as?" 

"Her trust issues, her drinking, her acrophobia weren't enough. I was pushing her to confront her fear of intimacy by offering her a relationship that she didn't need." 

"You think she didn't need you?" 

"I…I, uh, I don't know what I thought." 

"She's been very successful dealing with all of those issues. She hasn't had a drink in over six months, is venturing out on her own now, and has made friends outside of her Internet acquaintances." 

"Yeah, she has. She's worked hard." I know the pride I have for Helen is evident in my tone. I can't help it. Whenever I think of how far she's come, I have to smile. 

"Do you know why?" 

"She wanted it. She was tired of being afraid." The question surprises me, which is one of the reasons I dread these monthly meetings. I never know what my therapist is going to say next. 

"Did you ever stop to think that she finally has a reason to have a life again? That you gave that to her? She trusted you then and you came through for her. She believes in you, just as you believe in her. Every step she's taken in the last seven months, she did so because she wanted to, and because she knew she wasn't taking it alone. That's the basis of every good relationship." 

I just nod. I hadn't thought of it like that before and needed time to let the idea sink in. Helen and I became close in a short amount of time, a matter of days, yet our connection never seemed odd to me. Although practically every aspect of our relationship was a new experience for both of us, it was a smooth transition from strangers to colleagues to friends to lovers. Once she entered my life, it felt like she had always been a part of it. 

"She's stronger now," I finally say, grateful that Dr. Farris had given me time to absorb what we had been discussing. 

"And she's still in love with you." 

"Yeah." 

"Which means…?" the doctor prods. 

"That she really wants to be with me; that it's always been her choice." 

"Yes, I think so, too." 

With those words, I smile ridiculously wide and feel absolutely giddy. As much as I wanted to get home before I came in here today, now I want that even more.


	6. Chapter 6

"I was approached by my publisher today." The statement catches her off-guard and she quirks an eyebrow, an indication for me to continue. "She called to talk." 

"Really? What did she want to talk about?" From her tone, I know that MJ's interest is piqued. She's leaned against the counter while she waits for her coffee to make and has only been home for about half an hour, just long enough to change clothes and raid my Twizzler stash. 

"She wants us to write a book about our experiences." 

"Are you interested?" she asks as she pours herself a long anticipated cup of coffee. I wait for her to catch up and see the exact moment that my words sink into her brain. "Hold it. Did you say us? As in you and me? Helen, I don't know anything about writing a book. I'm a cop, not an author." 

"It's fairly easy." Her skeptical look makes me laugh, which only makes her roll her eyes at me. "Besides, this one would be a little different than the last ones. My agent was thinking more along the lines of an autobiographical novel rather than a scientific study." 

"Everything intellectual is easy for you. You're brilliant," she says as she makes her way into the living room. Sitting her cup on the table, she flops onto the sofa. "How much detail does she want?" 

"Whatever we're willing to share." I follow and settle next to her on the couch. I stay just far enough out of reach so she can't distract me by playing with my hands. 

"Are you ready for that?" 

"Are you?" 

"I am, but don't avoid my question, Hel." 

***

"I miss writing, and I would really like to do something productive. This book could be it." There's a pleading quality in her voice that I haven't heard in a while and suddenly I understand why this book is so important to her. I let her talk, knowing she needs to hear the words as much as she needs to explain to me. "I spent last year doing nothing but causing harm to myself and over half of this year trying to straighten my life out," she continues. "I used to be revered for my speeches, my books, my expert opinion, and then I became a crank, someone who no one wanted to listen to. I have to pull myself back from that, but I'm not ready to go on the lecture circuit again. This book will do more for my professional reputation than anything else I can think of." 

"You're sure this is something you want to do? You know that I haven't kept our relationship secret from my coworkers, but telling our friends and telling the whole world are two entirely different things. You talk about your reputation. You're sure you're ready to come out to an international audience?" 

"Mary Jane, I foster no false illusions that our relationship will escape judgment, but I can take whatever anyone throws at us. I love you. You're a part of my life, of my future, of me. Nothing is going to change that. If you would rather this book be strictly about our case, then that's what it will be and I won't mention the transformation our relationship has taken." 

"It's going to be hard to avoid, don't you think? I mean, how else do you explain that we're now living together?" I ask playfully. I sigh but then offer her a smile as I reach for her hands. "All I ask is that you make me a little taller than I really am. I'll leave everything else up to you. You can call it poetic license." 

"Does this mean you'll do it?" 

"Go for it." 

***

"Did I really look that scared?" she asks one afternoon. I glance up from my computer where I've been working to see her standing in the doorway of the office with the newest pages of the book dangling in her hands. I have to think for a second to remember exactly what she's talking about, but then I know. 

"Yeah, you did. But I knew that you would be okay." 

"How?" 

"I knew you would protect me," I tell her and shrug. She laughs but joins me at the desk. 

"You make it sound like a book." 

"I do. Actually, I've never been so devastated in my life. I thought he had killed you, so I was ready to die. As mellow dramatic as it sounds, when he shot you, I really felt I had nothing to live for. I just knew I wasn't going to make it out of that bathroom." 

"But you lived." 

"Thanks to you." 

"You know, I, uh, I never told you how brave I think you are. You stayed alive despite the odds. I may have come in at the last second to kill the bad guy, but you managed to get away from him, to live until I could get to you." 

"And you didn't give up." I reach for her, pulling her down so that I can kiss her lips. "Thank you." 

"Aw, shucks, ma'am, I was just doing my job." 

"Don't try that little girl routine with me, Inspector. I know better. I've experienced your wild side, remember?" 

"I don't recall you complaining." This time she kisses me and I feel my concentration shift from the book to MJ. I want nothing more than to reaffirm that she's alive and safe and here with me now. 

***

She tastes like raspberries and peppermint, which tells me that she's been eating her licorice and she's been craving a drink. But as her hand snakes its way under my t-shirt, I lose all sense of thought. I pull her up and let her direct us toward the bedroom while I try to walk backward as I nibble on her collarbone. It amazes me that after all this time I still desire her as much now as I did when we first met. I can't spend enough time with her and often find myself bringing paperwork home so that I can be with her. When I feel my knees hit the bed, I push her loose over-shirt off her shoulders and follow it with her tank top. Her skin is warm and soft, and I relish the feeling of it beneath my hands. My fingers trace the small scar that Peter Foley's scalpel left in her stomach before she makes me raise my arms so that she can remove my shirt. I pull her close to me and kiss her again. I feel her as she undoes the clasp of my bra and giggle as her hands come to rest on my sides. She smiles against my lips and pushes me onto the bed, which only causes me to laugh harder. Soon all our clothes are strewn about the room and our day's previous activities are completely forgotten. We're completely engrossed in each other. 

***

A brief thought that we're never going to finish our book flashes through my mind, but when I feel her inside me, all conscious thought is gone. I crave this – this feeling of security, passion, and love that she brings to me. We're an odd match, according to our friends, but we fit together so perfectly that their claims mean nothing to me. I know that I would not be here now if not for her, both figuratively and literally. She saves me every day we're together. I feel her kissing her way up my body, stopping to tickle my sides before crashing her lips to mine. 

"Helen," she whispers when we part. "I love you." 

Introduction of book: 

Although the purpose of dreaming is not clear, Freud theorized that the manifest content of a dream – essentially its action and story line – is the surface manifestation, disguised and dramatized, of the latent content, which is the hidden desires and motives that the conscious mind has repressed. If the latent content is not sufficiently disguised, the result is frightening to the dreamer. 

Basically speaking, a dream is what your subconscious wants to happens or fears is going to happen in your daily life. If what you've experienced in your day is not well buried, it will overtake your "sleeping mind" and wake you from your slumber. Nightmares happen to all of us at one time or another during the course of our lives. 

After all this time, I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, my heart pounding, and my breath coming in gasps. Because I've seen into the minds of men and women who derive pleasure from draining the life of innocent victims, I know what is out there and what it is capable of. However, I also know about the goodness the world holds. I learn a little more each day what faith means and how it feels to be loved. Although I worry over what could happen, have suffered the emotional, physical and mental pain that comes from experiencing a living nightmare, when I wake now with the fear that is so deeply embedded in me that I cannot escape it, I realize that even living nightmares are just dreams. 

There are some events in life that you cannot forget, but not all of those are negative. Some, like the way my partner reaches for my hand in the night or the way she smiles at me across the dinner table, change my existence for the better. I'm constantly reminded that science is not always the solution. 

We met during the worst time of both of our lives, but there was something in her eyes, in the way she looked at me, that I recognized as a kindred soul. Her intelligence was in her gaze, staring back at me in challenge. Though I didn't know it then, I would come to rely on her quiet strength to get me through the most difficult times in my life. From the beginning, I had faith in her and I knew she had faith in me, and I've learned the hard way that faith is more important than science.


End file.
